Change and healing can be beautiful—but let’s be honest, it can also feel brutally hard. When my clients feel frustrated, stuck, or overwhelmed by their own transformation journey, I often bring in the science of what’s happening beneath the surface. Because while your mind may understand the new awareness, your brain and nervous system are still catching up. And knowing that can be the difference between giving up and giving yourself grace.
The Brain and Nervous System: One Integrated Network
We tend to think of the brain and nervous system as separate, but they are one integrated, highly dynamic system. When we begin shifting patterns—whether in thought, behavior, or belief—we’re literally rewiring the neural pathways in the brain while simultaneously reconditioning the nervous system’s response patterns.
Your brain has spent years wiring itself around a certain set of habits, beliefs, and identities. When you start doing something new—setting boundaries, practicing stillness, saying no, speaking up—it’s not just a psychological act. It’s a biological one.
Synaptic Pruning and Neuroplasticity
When you think a thought or perform a behavior repeatedly, your brain reinforces the neural pathways associated with it. This is the essence of neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to change its wiring.
When a new behavior or belief begins, your brain is forming new synaptic connections—tiny communication points between neurons. As you continue practicing this new pattern, these connections grow stronger.
At the same time, the old, unused pathways begin to weaken through a process known as synaptic pruning. This is your brain’s way of becoming more efficient—it lets go of what you no longer use so it can strengthen what you do. A well-known phrase in neuroscience: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” But the opposite is also true—neurons that stop firing together, stop wiring together.
The Catch
Your old pathways are well-trodden. They’re fast, automatic, and easy. They’ve been reinforced over time through repetition, emotional charge, and often survival-based reasoning. They require little effort because your brain has invested energy in optimizing them.
Your new ones? They’re slow, awkward, and require conscious effort. They don’t yet feel natural because they haven’t been rehearsed or rewarded enough by your system. They’re like walking on a trail that’s still overgrown and hard to navigate.
That resistance you feel? It’s not failure. It’s biology. It’s your brain working to create entirely new bundles of synaptic energy, and that takes significant metabolic effort. At the same time, the old pathways are losing their dominance and starting to weaken. This can feel like inner chaos: your mind knows what you want, but your reflexes are still tuned to the past.
What helps? Patience, repetition, and gentleness. Imagine a toddler learning to walk—you wouldn’t yell at them for falling. You’d encourage them to try again. Offer yourself that same compassion.Also, remember: you may not feel the benefits of the new path right away. The old one had emotional familiarity. The new one hasn’t proven itself yet. Stick with it long enough for your system to recognize the new pattern as both effective andsafe.
The Nervous System Is Catching Up Too
While the brain is building new pathways, your nervous system is still trying to keep you safe. It’s operating from the patterns and protective responses it’s used for years—sometimes decades.
If you grew up in a household where it wasn’t safe to speak your truth, your nervous system learned that silence was safer than authenticity. Even if your brain now knows it’s okay to speak up, your body may still respond with anxiety, shutdown, or freeze.
This is why change can feel unsafe—even when it’s good. Your nervous system doesn’t recognize “new” as safe—it recognizes familiar as safe. Until it learns otherwise.
Polyvagal Theory: The Science of Safety
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains how the vagus nerve helps regulate our physiological state in response to perceived safety or danger.
According to this theory, we cycle between three main states:
- Ventral Vagal (Safe & Social) – Calm, connected, grounded
- Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) – Activated, anxious, defensive
- Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Freeze) – Numb, collapsed, disconnected
When trying something new, your nervous system may interpret it as a threat—not because it’s harmful, but because it’s unfamiliar. You may swing into fight, flight, or freeze even as your conscious mind is choosing healing. This is not self-sabotage. This is your biology asking: “Are we really safe now?”
Compassion as a Catalyst for Change
This is why awareness matters. When you know your brain and body are doing hard work behind the scenes, you can meet the feeling of resistance with compassion instead of criticism.
You can say:
- “This isn’t failure. This is my brain learning.”
- “This isn’t sabotage. This is my nervous system protecting me.”
- “I’m not stuck. I’m stabilizing in a new way of being.”
Your whole system is working with you—it just needs time, consistency, and reassurance.
A 2024 study titled “Neural correlates of reduction in self-judgment after mindful self-compassion (MSC) intervention” explored how an eight-week self-compassion practice impacts brain function. Researchers found that participants experienced significant shifts in neural regions tied to emotional regulation and self-referential thinking. The findings suggest that self-compassion practices can create measurable changes in the brain that support emotional resilience and a more grounded sense of self.
What You Can Do to Support the Process
Here are some ways to support your brain and nervous system as you integrate change:
1. Repetition and Consistency
The brain rewires through repetition. Keep showing up for the new behavior—even if it feels clunky. Frequency matters more than perfection.
You can build in gentle daily cues to reinforce the new behavior:
- Set a reminder or post a visual cue.
- Pair the new behavior with something familiar (habit stacking).
- Celebrate even small efforts—this helps the brain associate the new pathway with positive feedback.
Consistency teaches your brain: this matters.
2. Regulate Through the Body
Your nervous system needs to feel safe in order for the brain to stay open to change. Incorporate body-based tools that speak your system’s language:
- Breathwork to activate the parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) response.
- Grounding practices like walking barefoot, pressing your feet into the floor, or placing your hand on your heart.
- Cold water splashes or vagal toning sounds (like humming or chanting) to soothe and reset the nervous system.
Movement and touch send powerful messages of safety to your body.
3. Create Safe Containers for Change
Healing doesn’t thrive in isolation. Safe spaces where your system feels seen and supported are essential. This could look like:
- A consistent coaching or therapy relationship.
- A small, trusted group where vulnerability is honored.
- Even journaling or voice-noting as a “container” where your process is witnessed by you.
A container says to your system: you don’t have to do this alone.
4. Track Your Progress
The brain loves evidence. When you track your progress, you reinforce the new neural wiring. Try:
- Journaling daily wins, shifts in reaction, or moments of courage.
- Recording voice memos reflecting on your emotional growth.
- Creating a “progress jar” where you drop a note for every aligned decision you make.
Seeing your evolution builds momentum.
5. Stay Curious with Your Parts
From an IFS perspective, internal resistance is not sabotage—it’s protection. Stay curious about the parts that are unsure about change.
Ask:
- “What are you afraid will happen if I keep changing?”
- “What are you trying to protect me from?”
Journal their responses or even dialogue with them aloud. These parts aren’t in the way—they are waiting to be met.
When the Work Feels Heavy, Keep Going
If you’re doing the work of realignment and it feels like an uphill battle—you’re not wrong. This process requires energy, presence, and a willingness to meet your own edges.
Many people quit right before the change locks in. Why? Because they mistake discomfort for misalignment, when often, discomfort is the evidence that your old wiring is being disrupted. The grief, the fatigue, the irritability, even the apathy—these can be signs that the old pathway is dying off and the new one hasn’t taken hold yet.
This in-between space can be disorienting. You may not feel like your old self, but you don’t quite feel like your new self either. That’s because your system is still syncing up. The nervous system is recalibrating to new cues of safety. The brain is still forming and pruning connections. Your parts are watching to see if this new way of being is sustainable—or if they’ll need to step back in with the old strategies.
This is not a time to abandon the work. This is a time to deepen your support.
Here’s how to lean in when it gets hard:
- Hydrate and nourish yourself – Realignment requires real energy. Your brain consumes about 20% of your daily energy. Feed it well.
- Sleep intentionally – Sleep is where memory consolidation and synaptic pruning intensify. Treat rest as part of the work.
- Pair somatic practices with mindset work – Your nervous system doesn’t speak English. It speaks sensation. When you support the body, the brain follows.
- Get witnessed in the process – Healing happens faster in regulated relationships. Don’t isolate. Share what you’re working through with someone who can meet you in it.
- Let compassion be your fuel, not self-judgment – You can’t bully your way into transformation. But you can breathe your way there. Gently, fiercely, and over time.
When change feels hard, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re in the middle of becoming—and your entire system is working overtime to support your new alignment.
Your brain is rewiring. Your nervous system is recalibrating. Your identity is evolving.
Give it time. Give it grace. Stay in the work.
An Invitation
If you’re in that space where everything feels tender—where the old ways no longer fit, but the new ways haven’t fully landed yet—you are not alone.
This is the sacred, uncomfortable middle where real change is taking root. Your nervous system is learning new patterns, and your brain is forming new pathways. Your identity is evolving, and while it may feel slow or disorienting, none of it is wrong. It’s the biology of becoming.
You don’t have to navigate this part alone. I work with high-achieving, high-capacity humans who are ready to live from a deeper alignment—not just intellectually, but biologically and energetically. If you’re craving a space where your process will be honored, reflected, and supported at every layer of your being—I invite you to book a discovery call.
We’ll explore what your system is really asking for, and what support looks like for your next evolution.